


I Hate Myself For Loving You

by flirtyjensen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Love Confessions, M/M, Mark of Cain (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:41:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28535310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flirtyjensen/pseuds/flirtyjensen
Summary: Someone on twitter suggested that Moc!Cas confesses his love for Dean but hates him for it. This was transposed from that idea."From the moment we met, I naively thought you were special. I thought you would be The Righteous Man but you turned out to be another pathetic human."
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 14





	I Hate Myself For Loving You

“Cas, please. You don’t want to do this. This isn’t you.” Dean holds his hands up in surrender as Castiel looms over an unconscious, bloody Sam.

Castiel can feel the surge of power from the Mark of Cain. He’s fought its influence for months but the last few weeks have become unbearable. His grace is dwindling and he can feel himself changing as the Mark slowly consumes him. Demonic whispers of violence and murder fill his head. Castiel claps his hands on his ears, trying to smother them out but they only intensify.

“Cas?” Dean hesitantly reaches out and places his hand on Castiel’s shoulder.

The angel looks at him, seething with anger and pushes him back. “You say this isn’t me, Dean but you’re wrong. This is me.” He stalks slowly toward Dean. “In case you have forgotten, I took on the Mark because it would have killed you. Turned you into a demon. I always make sacrifices for you, and look what that gets me. You Winchesters always talk about family, but I’m not your family. I have never had a family!”

With tears in his eyes, Dean responds, “That’s not true.”

Castiel sneers in response. The image is so jarring to Dean that he has to swallow down a gasp. “No, it is. You don’t know all the times the angels tried to make me something I wasn’t. They never accepted me. You and Sam never did either. The pathetic thing is the lengths I would go for you. For Sam. For Jack. I used to think my sacrifices meant something since my life didn’t. That meeting you meant something. Now, I realize what a collasal mistake that was.”

“What are you talking about, Cas?” He shakes his head, brow creased.

A white-hot pain shoots through Castiel’s right arm, causing him to lose composure. He grasps his arm and doubles over. Dean wants to reach out to him, but is afraid. He’s afraid of his best friend. Then the pain is gone almost as soon as it erupted. Castiel straightens up and his gaze is dark.

“Look at the circumstances! I took on the Mark to protect you and now it’s killing me.” Out of anger, Castiel swings back and connects his fist with Dean’s cheek. Stunned from the punch, Dean stumbles back. “I wouldn’t be in this situation, if I had never met you! If I had never fallen in love with you!” Castiel swings again and again. “I hate myself for loving you, Dean. Everything you’ve ever done has turned into ash and I’m living proof of that.” Castiel grabs Dean’s jacket, holding him up. “From the moment we met, I naively thought you were special. I thought you would be The Righteous Man but you turned out to be another pathetic human. And I fell for you, in all ways possible. How wrong was I.” He swings once more.

Dumbfounded by Castiel’s confession but the words accompanying it leave him unfazed. It’s nothing he hasn’t said in the mirror. “Cas, wait - wait.” A fist pauses inches before Dean’s face. “I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to lose yourself to the Mark. You shouldn’t have taken it on. It should have been me. And you’re right about me. Everything I’ve ever done has turned to shit.” Castiel steps back, letting go of Dean.

“Sorry? You’re sorry?! You can’t say that and think everything will be fine. You did this to me, Dean! You ruined everything and you think sorry will make it okay?” He yells incredulously.

Dean glances to the floor as a single tear rolls down his cheek. “I- you’re right. But I am sorry.”

“Stop saying that!”

Castiel punches Dean left, right and left again but he doesn’t fight back. A strong uppercut causes Dean to fly back and fall against the concrete floor. He blacks out for a moment on impact. Opening his eyes, coming to, Castiel is straddling him, hands around his neck. Dean reacts and reaches for his throat.

“Cas,” his name is breathless and tight. Constricting his throat tighter, Castiel’s eyes are blank with rage. “Stop, please,” Dean gasps as his eyelids flutter.

A moment of recognization crosses Castiel’s face and he immediately lets go. “Oh, god. Dean?” He shakes Dean slightly. “Dean!”

After a moment, Dean’s eyes open. He coughs from the pressure around his throat. “Might want to lay off the spinach there, Popeye.”

Castiel helps Dean up and gives him a look. “I’m not sure what happened. I blacked out for a moment.”

Dean massaging his neck, eyes the angel. “What do you remember?” His voice is hoarse.

“Mostly everything before you passed out. The anger within me just took over. I can feel it just underneath the surface. I don’t know how much longer I can keep it down, Dean.” His eyes are full of sorrow. A glimpse of the old Cas.

“I know. We’ll figure something out though.”

“The Ma'lak box. It would have held Michael. It can do the same for me.”

“What? No! We’ll do another spell-”

“No! Dammit, Dean. This is how you and your brother always complicate things. Just accept this and put me in a damn box.” Castiel squeezes his eyes, feeling the power of the Mark rise again.

“Cas, I-” Dean starts.

“Now, Dean. Before it’s too late. I can’t hold it back much longer.”

“Fuck,” he says under his breath. Dean grabs Castiel by the arm and helps him into the Ma'lak box. He clenches his jaw as he stares down at his best friend, knowing this is the last time they’ll be together. “Wait, I just need to say something. I love you too, Cas.”

For a brief moment, all the anger and pain dissipates from Castiel’s eyes and Dean thinks it’s a miracle. “Close it.”


End file.
